When I heard Kendra Cunov briefly mention her No Man Diet in an interview, I barely took notice.

I don’t need a Man Break, I thought. In fact, I need the opposite: I haven’t got in laid in [insert x amount of time here].

I love men. I love the Masculine. I worship their strength and space-holding, ability to see things I don’t, ingenuity, willingness to do just about anything to serve the people they love.

I love how men compliment my wild sea of a heart, how they are my harbor and I am their oracle.

In fact, I love Jesus because he’s so fucking Divine Masculine it brings me to tears. (I forget where I heard it, but someone somewhere mentioned that the perfect partner is a combination of Tony Stark & Jesus. Sign me up.)

I love men. And dating. And flirting. And sex. I’m like a fish to water in those realms; playing there clears my head and resets my nervous system.

I did NOT need a Man Break. Til I did.

Things shifted: Always the Empress of Close But Not Too Close, I’m a pro at Friends with Benefits, the Grey Area, the space just before “So are we a Thing?” I like my Exits clearly marked, when no one’s clingy and our relative social circles are complete strangers. 

But we can snuggle & fuck & I think we’re at a point that you can leave a toothbrush here if you want but I don’t care either way.

In other words: Avoidant Attachment is Fucking Exhausting for Everyone.

Nearly a year ago, I met someone with whom I wanted The Stuff–that is, the Relationship Stuff. The context felt safe for me: Long Distance, saucy texts, great sex when I did see him. He’s incredibly smart, can build anything he wants, kind & generous, and just…good.

It was the first time I actually wanted MORE with someone. I wasn’t being convinced into a relationship like I had been in my distant past; I genuinely desired to explore the depths of what This Guy and This Girl could create and build together.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I was brave and vulnerable in initiating the “I like you, do you like me too?” conversation for the first time ever in my 32 years of existence, and also in experiencing the crushing disappointment that most 3rd grade girls already have under their belts. 

Simply: No one had ever told me No before.

Fast forward: A recent trip to Hawaii awakened a deep yearning to share, to contribute, to empower and to devote myself to, adore & worship a powerful counterpart. To deeply connect and fully be myself; not just playful & sweet, but angry & sad & hurt. To feel fully seen as the complex, weird & magnificent creature I am, and celebrated as Her, with her feathers and claws and hips.

Working with couples in the realm of intimacy & relationship, I get to witness the sanctity, healing power and divine offering of intimate communion daily, and it’s a blessing.

In order to begin to enter that realm, though, I needed to let go of the wonderful-but-comfortable grey areas I had simultaneously spinning like plates.

In other words…I needed a Man Break.

A chance to clear the slate and prepare my psyche for what feels more in alignment; A Whole30 for my relational being when I was existing on energy drinks and protein bars; technically not bad, but not really doing anything for me, either.

So here we are, 2 weeks into 3 months with no dating, no sex, no kissing, no apps, no sleepovers, no naked.

Spoiler alert: It’s already weird.

I didn’t realize how much energy I put into distracting myself with people and flirting and engaging. I’ve realized that one of my favorite past times–drunken makeouts, ideally with someone I don’t know and will never have to see again– is one also one of my favorite distracting, dissociating and distancing mechanisms. (I guess this is a good time to mention I’m going without alcohol for a bit, too.)

The point is that I want to attach in a way that isn’t fearful, avoidant or superficial. And it starts with clearing out habits that aren’t serving me anymore, and facing some real life vulnerability.

Can’t wait.