It’s official: I’m halfway through Man Break 2019. With creating space to feel into all the aches, pains and unresolved heartbreak, I’ve realized one thing: We are most useful, effective and authentic when our hearts are in pieces.

A broken heart is ready for what’s next. A broken heart is awake and curious. A broken heart’s heavy armoring has been put down, and in our broken states we are aching but permeable and fecund for new growth, a new story, a new possibility.

 When we are unraveled skeins of colored thread on the ground, anything and everything can be woven. 

There is a sweetness to the aching–like stretching into a stiff limb. THIS is where we expand from, burst forth now that we are raw, stripped and utterly sovereign. When we recognize the possibility of this place instead of getting lost in our despair, we are the essence our Selves: the Creators of a New Reality. So how is it done? 

Be Present to the Discomfort

I have a notorious history of convincing myself I’m fine when I am barely keeping myself together, like walking around with my guts hanging out telling myself to walk it off. We are conditioned to support each other like this too:

• You’re too good for her.
• He ain’t shit. 
• They’re not worth your time.
• I don’t need them. I’m better off.

Sure, this could all be accurate, but that doesn’t change the fact that you feel like you’re being flayed alive. (And actually, these people are our greatest teachers–they show us where we are closed, what we value, and how we react when we don’t get our way. One day, we will be bowing down in deep gratitude to all our Ex’s!) 

We can dive into that opportunity to feel hurt, and express it to those involved (“I felt hurt when…” not “You hurt me when…”) AND to ourselves. Pushing away the experience never allows us to move through, heal and grow from it. We savor the bitterness and allow ourselves to BE sad, angry, upset, pathetic-feeling without judgement. We allow the most shameful parts of ourselves to be activated, comforted and eventually celebrated. 

Stay Curious

Simply noticing our reactions, what hurts us and why, is profound inquiry. We can allow ourselves to Be Present and SIT with these uncomfortable states while continually asking: Why?

What about this person’s reaction is so triggering to you? What do you miss about this relationship? When someone does this, why does it make you feel that way?

From this practice and the time I’ve set aside these past few weeks, I’ve been able to cull what it is I need, what I was distracting myself from, and what I want from my next relationships & intimate encounters.

What we miss most about people tends to be what we desire most deeply. I’ve realized I deeply desire to feel like I can rest with someone, borderline hysterical laughter, really great biceps. Obviously.

Pursue the Edges

So we’re doing a great job acknowledging our Feels, we’re getting curious, and now what?

Too easily, we shut it back down, build up those walls higher and stronger and promise ourselves that we’ll never let anyone hurt us like that again. Ever.

But this is our Beautiful & Dangerous Assignment, and this is why a broken heart is the perfect state for growth: When our walls are down, we can continually pursue what challenges us, rewrite our stories, notice our triggers and our habits while surrendering that what is unfolding is meant for us. 

A broken heart constantly reminds us to have faith.

One of the most profound practices I’ve found is from Matt Kahn:

When I’m feeling weak or vulnerable–something that triggers an overwhelming amount of shame in me– I say “I don’t know how to love you,” to that part of me that is feeling weak, and I allow her to BE. 

I sit with her, even though I’d rather be pulling out my own fingernails with pliers, and witness myself in weakness. And guess what: She evolves and gets softer.

The practice gets easier the more we do it. Yes, we’re more susceptible to getting hurt, but we also experience MORE. When we express instead of holding back, are willing to fall fully in love and delight, savor our attraction to someone new and exciting, we are more able to give our gifts and receive what others are showing us.  

To staying unraveled and keeping our hearts in pieces.