I’ve noticed that people who date men LOVE to bitch about the Fuckboys we’ve encountered.

The irrational, extreme and mind-boggling Fuckboy behavior rattles us sentient beings to the core, while affirming every deep dark secret fear that we are crazy, unloveable and unworthy.

Which is why also secretly LOVE attracting and agonizing over Fuckboys: They give us something to hate ourselves over. 

First, let’s define this quintessentially millenial term: A fuckboy, as I know them to be, is someone who keeps someone close, but not too close, and will place freedom and keeping other options open over the other person’s feelings.

Fuckboy behavior includes but is not limited to:

• Talking about getting together more than actually doing it
• Lacking initiative in communication or quality time
• Sporadic or generic communication
• Relying on your emotional entanglement with them for comfort or security while rarely reciprocating
• Jealousy when you start seeing other people
• Sex as expectation
• Lack of emotional connection
• Deep emotional connection alternating with stretches of absence and space
• Not responding to your texts/calls
• Texting/calling at the dead of night
• Ghosting
• Keeping the relationship undefined

Collectively, I like to refer to this behavior as “Fuckery.” Essentially, Fuckery is characterized by a lack of consideration and a desperate need to get patterned needs met NOW.

A rare and opulent cocktail of a “good guy” exterior, FOMO, obtuse flippancy and emotional obliviousness, I postulate that Fuckboys are so out of touch with what their actions put into motion that they actually don’t KNOW they’re Fuckboys.

Or Fuckwomen. Fuckpeople.

Which is why I was shocked to realize that, when dating, I have Fuckboy tendencies.

I text with no intention of hanging out. I don’t spend the night. I disappear when things get too close or uncomfortable or develop beyond my tiny comfort zone I had painted for myself. Anything that placed a toe outside that zone was a clear signal to Commence the Slow Fade.

(Disclaimer: Over the past year, I’ve actively done the OPPOSITE of what I usually do in a bizarre experiment that has left me feeling totally destroyed with vulnerability, but it’s been GOOD and I’ve learned a lot and made big strides.)

On the flipside, dating fellow avoidant attachment folks has proven to be the most uninspired game of Chicken you’ve ever seen:

“Oh, you’re waiting for me to text? Well keep waiting, buddy, because I win this game every time. “

But like I’ve said in previous posts, this game is the worst and I’ve never won fucking anything save for exacerbating some deep fear of intimacy. (The root of which is always rejection. We are always afraid of being unworthy, whether we have anxious or avoidant attachment styles.)

#winning

So if I’m acting the part of a Fuckboy, OF COURSE I was attracting people who have no interest in a relationship, who are terrible communicators and are desperately afraid of their feelings.

Because ME TOO. Did we just become best friends? NOPE, because we’re too busy feigning disinterest.

We attract the energy we are willing to put forth. And if I’m half-assing relationship, I’m gonna get people who wanna half-ass it too.

Even if I were to attract someone who is gung-ho, Sunday-breakfast-in-bed, my-mom’s-gonna-LOVE-you, they would trigger every distancing mechanism in my toolbelt and coax out my Fuckery.

Now, Fuckboys everywhere can keep existing in their oblivious fog of destruction, unattachment, meaningless sex and just having what could be considered a good time.

And it is. Until it’s not.

For me, I want to be more aware of my own tendencies and be more LOVING in all types of relationships, even if it’s with someone I don’t necessarily hit it off with, romantically or otherwise.

It comes down to honoring our own Fuck Yes’s in the biggest way.

If someone–even a friend or acquaintance–doesn’t feel nourishing for whatever reason, can we advocate for ourselves move on from that relationship in a way that’s kind, loving, and leaves everyone feeling heard?

It does NOT involve shoddy communication or turning a blind eye to both your needs and theirs.

It does NOT involve going for what is easy when it’s not what you truly desire any longer.

It does involve figuring out what you need, and what you can offer this other person in the name of something bigger. Sometimes that’s parting ways, sometimes that’s diving in deep despite the crippling fear, sometimes it’s just being uncomfortable and watching what arises.

May we recognize, love and redirect the lonely Fuckboys that dwell within all our hearts.